The Skinny:

I am watching the Discovery Health channel. There is a story on teenagers who weigh 500+ pounds. I am watching this right after a huge binge. I feel like one of those teenagers. My ultimate dream is to be a super model. I calculated I have to lose 5 inches from my waist, hips, and chest (15 inches total). And I will do it. I am giving myself until May 2010. This may seem like a long way away, but I know I can do it and I will do it. I am going to college in August and I am currently enrolled in the pre-med program (chemistry major). I feel like I'm cheating myself. I don't want to do that. I want to act, paint, sing, model, muse, design. I am just doing it to oblige everyone else. So here's the plan: do my generals this year, get uber skinny, work, work, work, save, save, save. By May I want to weigh 116 pounds and have $12,000 saved up. Then I will move to NYC and get a job doing something. And go to drama school. Maybe I'll go back to college, maybe not. I feel like a huge let down though to my parents. I mean I am a valedictorian and I don't want to go to college! Am I being selfish? Should I go after my dreams of acting or go to medical school?

Is it me? I dont know. I feel like this has nothing to do with me, yet everything to do with me at the same time. My friend, lets call her Kate, she and I are very different yet very similiar. We both were valedictorians. Both dont have boyfriends. Differences are in personality. Shes uptight and serious. Me, not so much. In school, she studied. I didnt. (We just graduated.) We got the same grades. This frustrated her but I never knew that it did, until now. She accuses me of being too competative (I am but not with her because I know how she is). Ha. She is the one that nags it on. She was kind of chubby before and now has started to lose weight. She keeps bragging about it. Blah blah. I cant eat this. I cant eat that. As an eating disordered person, I find this frustrating. I may not have been the smallest person ever, but I know how to lose weight.

So why am I just noticing all of this stuff about her and why am I on a warpath to be better? Good question.

I went on a cruise from May 30 to June 6. Let me tell you, living on a boat for 7 days with your best friend allows you to learn a lot. I went on this cruise with her and 4 of my good guy friends, one of whom I have liked for a long time. Anyways, my good guy friend that I like has had a girl friend for a year and he was about to break up with her. I figured this would be a perfect opportunity to tell him how I feel. So on the boat he pulls me aside from our group to talk about something. I thought it was about us. Um, no. It was about "Kate". He says he likes her and wants to kiss her. Blah, Blah. I said go for it. Heck, they are my best friends and their happiness is more important than my own. Fast forward, he ends up making out with her (her first kiss). She talked to me about it and said she was just having fun. He really likes her. So I asked her if she liked him like that. She said no. I told her how I felt about him. She seemed cool with it. Seemed being the word.

So I cant stand how much in like he is with her so I just blurt out how I feel and how "Kate" feels about him. He seemed really confused because apparently he has always liked me but didnt think he was good enough. So I figure if he likes "Kate" I want him to be happy. I said just to be careful. So the next day she goes and says to him she feels that I am just competative and that I just want what she has. WHAT!? If she would have said she really liked him I wouldn't have said anything. I was looking out for him. Anyways. She eventually comes to tell me she likes him, but he says he likes me and he was only with her because he didnt think he had a chance with me. So he breaks up with his girlfriend on the 6th when we get back. And he wants to be with me. Now Kate wont talk to me and I like him a lot but I just cant do that to her. Kate says I make her sick because I turn everything into a competition. I told her she won and she can have him (even though I would never fight with my best friend over a boy). She wont reply.

Ugh. I dont want to say anything bad about her because she is my best friend, but really I thought she was better than that. Am I in the wrong because I told the truth? I tried to write this in a completely unbiased manor. What do you think?

I havent been on here in a while. I recently was trying to just eat and be healthy. Now Im not so sure. I went on a cruise for a week. I weighed myself before and after. I lost 5 pounds. Now I am on an obsession and heres why.

I went on the cruise with some friends: my best friend and 4 guy friends. One of whom I like. Well, I've liked him for a while but he's had a girlfriend for a year. Well, he told us that he was going to break up with her so I figured that would be an opportunity to slip in. Well, he decided to have a heart to heart conversation with me on night on the boat. I thought it was about us. Um, no. He wanted to tell me he liked my friend. He just kept talking about how he wanted to kiss her. I told him to go for it because I figure two friends happiness is better than my own. Well, he made out with her like 5 times one night and it's all she was talking about. I asked her if she even liked him. She said no she just wanted to have fun. I then told her I liked him. I told her to be careful because he really, really likes her. Well, I eventually told him how she felt and how I felt.

Then she accused me of being too competative and sabotaging their relationship. Then she kept flanting it like hugging him and holding his hand. Well, come to find out he really likes me but didn't think he had a chance. So... I told him I don't care my relationship with my friend is more important than a boy, even though I think I love him. Well now she claims to like him so I feel totally crappy and now she blames me.

If she would have just told me the truth in the beginning I would have kept my feelings hidden. So now I have to be better, thinner, prettier. Even if I don't get him, I have to beat her.

Now they broke up and I cant go out with him if I dont want to lose a friend.

  So I binged today already. Cheesecake (little slice) - 300 cals

Alfredo and green beens - 700 cals

1000cals! screw me ( although they were small portions i'm overguessing better way high than way low)

I had pom last night. so much food arghhhh.. but lost 2 pounds due to 8 hours of extreme dancing. which is awesome. i have one month until graduation. i must restict restrict restrict!!! Sr. trip on may 31. to JAMAICA and MEXICO and the CAYMAN ISLANDS. CRUISE!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH so excited. but new thinspo just to be in a bikini and feel not so fat.

 binge binge binge. its all i can do. i was at 162 last week. now im at 170 again. i am so fat. and the more i gain, the more depressed i get, the more i binge. prom is this weekend. i hate me. i want to die. and purge. and cut. but no. my teeth are starting to become discolored from purging. so just exercise lame though. only a 10 min mile and a 400 crunches. today sucks.

 breakfast: special k with soy milk -160 cals

lunch - gum - 10 cals

snack - soymilk frozen hot chocolate - 125 cals
              honey popcorn - 110 cals

dinner - tortilla pizza - 160 cals
               vegetable soup - 40 cals

binge - special k - 160 cals
              kiks - 150 cals
              peanut butter fudge - 540 cals (i hate me)
              turkey - 40 cals
              pickles - 15 cals
              hot chocolate - 25 cals

Total - 1535 cals. I HATE ME!!!!

 Apple - 30
Vegetables - 180
Granola Bar - 120
Candy - 30
Pizza - 180

Total -  540 cals

The veggies might be less. prob about 130-150 but i guess high

EHEHEHE I'm going to get a fat free cap for 60 cals later. so about 600 cals for the day. Okay, not great.

water - 0
Green tea- 0
Banana - 60
Trail Mix - 180
Cough Drops - 25
Gum - 5
Brocolli and Cauliflower - 60
1/2 Granola Bar - 60
Crystal Light - 5
Chocolate bar - 60
Total - 455 cals

Ran 2 miles - 290 cals
Leg and Ab workout - ? cals

So better i guess... tomorrow maybe fast. i bought some diet pills. so we'll see about fasting. prob. will if my parents don't freak.

 I have been making way too many excuses about eating. ‘I’ll start tomorrow, I already ruined today...’ Yada, yada, yada. I am so full of shit. I just need to do it. I am doing it right now. Prom is in 2 months. I bought my dress. Ugh. Size 10!!!!!!!! I am so fat. I actually could have gottten the  but my mom was all. No way can she get into single digits. Whatever mom. I mean the floor size was a 4 and the only thing that didn’t fit was the chest. (I’m “blessed”.) Yeah more like cursed. I’m not sure of my weight because I am sick and I keep eating crap...... Plus, I am drinking water out the wazzoo. I haven’t been to the gm since Thursday, but I am going tomorrow after drama practice. Fasting tomorrow too. Tuesday = Law and Order:SVU! I’m excited. Well, I was until I realized that digital conversion thing is tomorrow and I won’t have TV. I live in BFE! I hate this..

 

I am so fat. But tomorrow is a new day... Only water, green tea, and vegetables for this week.

 SSSSSSHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! Massive binge today. New day tomorrow. New day tomorrow. I never curse btw. That goes to show you how mad I am at myself. 

Afraid to see the damage. Can't weigh myself. Now, I'm drinking a lot of water and hopefully it will help?!!

 Came back from the gym. 180 calories burnt rowing and raquetball for 1.5 hours. No more food. So basically I am negative whatever playing raquetball burns. I'm too lazy to look it up. Weighed myself. 166. Yes! One pound down. 40 more to go.

 Finally, I'm getting it right. 
Today's total:
Gum (2 pieces): 10 calories
Crystal Light Hard Candy (4 pieces): 25 calories
Coffee: 0 calories
Crystal Light: 5 calories
Sugar-Free Pudding: 60 calories
Brocolli and Cauliflower (2 cups or so): 80 calories

Total: 180 calories

Now, I'm going to the gym. Burn roughly 600-700 calories. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Probably rowing and the elliptical and raquetball. Maybe running. I'm not much of a runner, but hey. I have to get this. I weighed my self in sweats. I'm at 167 lbs. and on my period so really bloated. 

Stats: 5'8"
HW: 175 (stupid recovery and depression)
LW: 145
GW1: 160 - Feb. 15
GW2: 155 - Feb. 21
GW3: 142 - Mar. 28
GW4: 137 - Apr. 25
GW5: 132 - May 22
GW6: 127 

UGW: 124

 On the outside, it seems perfect, minus the fat body. I am a 'good' girl. I don't drink or smoke. I am a valedictorian of my high school. I have the lead in the school play. So why don't my parents find me good enough. I will never be good enough for them. THEY RESENT ME, i feel it. I am a 'real' woman people say. Curvy. I hate when people say that. No, the real word is fat. Tonight, is the end. Ana is for real. I was eating a bowl of cereal (it was one of those half bowls so not too big) and I got another because I was still hungry. My dad rolled his eyes at me and scoffed. (I think that is the proper word.) I hate me. He hates me. I am fat to him.. Plus, I'm dating this guy who is in love with me. I said I'd try dating. (I don't date normally.) He kissed me tonight. I hated it. I want to not date him, but I don't want to hurt him. I hate me.  Why can't I do anything for me? I HATE ME! I' crying. I'm such a panzy. My head hurts from MIa. my heart is pounding. What if it stops? I never curse and I want to say a string of profanities. I hate who I am. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!!

 I did it. I told him that I can't be emotionally involved. He said that he still wanted to be my friend. He was really sweet about it. Now I feel bad. I like him so much. I want him back.

I need to talk to someone. Anyone but him. I want him to call. Why? Why can't I let go?

I hate myself. I ate a piece of grilled chicken and bread (240 calories) and M&Ms (240 calories) and Trail Mix (120 calories). 600 calories. Bad Bad Bad.

Only good thing that has come out of this. I lost 10 pounds in 7 days.

 I hate this. I hate myself. Why can't I just be normal?( Why am I doing this? )I need control. I cannot eat. 
I need control. I cannot eat

I need him out of my life. I know he's bad for me, for my problems, but I don't want to hurt him. I'm not in love with him, but I do love him. He's my best friend.

I freaking kissed him because HE wanted me to, not because I wanted to. I do everything for him. And in the process I'm losing myself. 

I have to do what's best for me not him. But I still don't want to hurt him. I'm pathetic.

I need strength. I need power. I need control.